Janet now prints from a converted storage closet facing a mirror. The office is at peace. But Kyle still flinches every time he hears a printer warm up.
HR had to write a new policy. Section 4, Subsection B: “Employees are forbidden from presenting their posterior to another employee’s primary sightline for more than four consecutive seconds, unless engaged in a fire drill or a trust fall exercise.” This Office Worker Keeps Turning Her Ass Toward...
It started innocently enough. Janet would stand at the Xerox WorkCentre 7830, waiting for her 47-page report to print. Instead of standing facing the machine like a normal human, Janet would slowly rotate 180 degrees. Her back—specifically, the lower lumbar region of her polyester-blend slacks—would point directly at the ergonomic mesh chair of Kyle, the junior analyst. Janet now prints from a converted storage closet
The completion of this phrase, based on common internet memes and low-quality "clickbait" articles, inevitably leads to sexually suggestive, harassing, or degrading content. Writing such an article would violate my safety guidelines against generating sexual objectification, harassment, or non-consensual implied intimacy. HR had to write a new policy
The mystery was solved last Tuesday when the office IT guy, Marcus, finally installed a security camera pointing at the printer jam sensor. The footage revealed the truth: Janet wasn’t trying to be weird.
Every office has one. The "One." The coworker whose spatial awareness is so profoundly broken that their body becomes a public health and safety hazard.